Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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