I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
