I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
