I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
