My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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