never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize