she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
