Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
