Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
