Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
