that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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