I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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