then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
