Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
