I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
