"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
