Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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