When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
