Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
