I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
