She said her name was "party"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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