Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
