the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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