i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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