Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
