You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
