i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
