2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Randomize
