I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
