My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Farmville is her only friend.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
