There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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