I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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