finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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