Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
