my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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