if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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