We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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