The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
