Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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