Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
false alarm. still invincible.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
