i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
