Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
