Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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