margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
