I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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