I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
