Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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