a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
