Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
