the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
