if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
