I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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