there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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