Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Randomize
