I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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