When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
