How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
