dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
